Cooking with Hank in Friday’s Kitchen – It’s Hillbilly Pizza!

Hillbilly Pizza That Offends Italy (Extended Cut, No Apologies)

Ingredients

• 1 can biscuit dough or crescent rolls
  • If the dough popped when you opened it, you’re on the right path
• Sauce of choice: ketchup, BBQ sauce, ranch, or a chaotic blend
  • Marinara is optional but will be mocked
• Cheese
  • mozzarella if you’re lying to yourself
  • cheddar if you’ve accepted who you are
• Toppings gathered like spare change from the couch:
  • summer sausage
  • hot dogs sliced at an angle for “presentation”
  • leftover brat pieces from three cookouts ago
  • pickles, because confusion is a flavor
  • onion you’ve been moving around the fridge since November
• Butter or bacon grease
  • both if your cardiologist doesn’t listen to this station
• Garlic powder, pepper, or “Italian seasoning” you’ve never used correctly

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Directions

1. Preheat the oven to a number that feels right in your spirit.
2. Smash the dough into a pan like it owes you money. Cracks mean airflow.
3. Brush the edges with butter or bacon grease until it looks like a slip hazard.
4. Spread sauce aggressively. This is not the time for gentle strokes.
5. Dump cheese on like you’re trying to bury evidence.
6. Add toppings until the pan starts asking questions.
7. Sprinkle seasoning from high up like a Food Network audition you will not get.
8. Bake until the edges are brown and the middle jiggles just a little, like it’s unsure.

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Serving Instructions

• Let cool for 30 seconds, then burn your mouth anyway.
• Cut into squares because triangles are too European.
• Eat standing up, leaning on the counter, staring into the void.

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